Life Help

I have never thought of myself as weak, I feel like I am a strong woman and have strong opinions.  I guess that's why I feel so helpless right now.  I will not go into detail as to what is going on, this is obvious a very public forum and while I don't mind people knowing some parts of my life, I don't want my daughters getting ahold of this specific post when they get older.  Letting them know details will have to wait for a more private conversation.  That being said, I feel like I have had the rug pulled out form under me and I don't know how to get back up.  I have had things thrown my way for a while now and feel like I have handled it well and with dignity but even though I may have seen something like this coming, it has hit me harder than I ever imagined.  Has anyone ever been there?  I have always been a happy person who loves her friends and craves that time.  Right now I feel like secluding myself and not doing a thing.  I am not sleeping, I eat only to have it not stay down and doing anything, even one load of laundry feels like I am running a marathon.  I know some people will call this depressive behavior, I do not feel like I am depressed.  I do find happiness, how can you not when you have 3 beautiful children to take care of?  Yes it is work, but they are my world and they can put a smile on my face in the worst of situations.  However, I still feel it.  I feel like it is a shadow hiding and lying in wait until the perfect time.  Like the feeling you are being watched, ti is uncomfortable and then it pounces and reminds you of how bad it is.  I don't know 100% why I am sharing this and I promise I will not be making this blog sad like this form now on.  But blogging is supposed to be real right?  That way people can come and learn something or possibly give some advice because they have been there.  So, that is what I ask.  Has anyone been there?  How do you pick yourself up and try to put yourself back together when you feel shattered into 1,000 pieces?!

Last night.......

Last night I had a great nights sleep.  I had a dream about my brother.  Nothing in particular, we were just hanging out with our kids and just having a good time.  I could seriously feel him hugging me, it was a fantastic dream.  And then I woke up and realized, he is gone, it was just a dream.  And I have to admit, that is pretty darn depressing.  Today is my birthday and one of my dear friends Pattie called me bright and early and she told me to think of it as a blessing.  So, I sit here with tears in my eyes, thinking of my brother and what he would be doing right now if he were still here but I feel like I got the best birthday present anyone could ever give me.  I know that he is not here, that he is in heaven but I swear it felt like he was right with me and it made me feel fantastic.  I would kill for another hug or another "I love you" and I know I cannot get that until I am up in heaven with him so I will take what I can get.  Maybe it was his way of making me feel special on this day and I can tell you this, I do.  So today started off on the right note and thank you to Pattie for helping me realize how much of a blessing this is!

Weekend Tragedy

So I was a little uncertain on whether or not I wanted to post anything about the tragedy that happened in Arizona over he weekend.  Everything quickly turned political, calling out numerous politicians and government officials and I did not want to get involved.  Not that I don't have views on politics, I feel very strongly in my political views but I am not one to stand on my soap box unless prompted or feel the need to express my views.  However, when I woke up this morning (super early might i add, I am starting a new work out routine and I may or may not have been up at the butt crack of dawn to get my exercise on, that discussion is for another day though) and was able to watch the news (I always watch the first half hour of the Today show while my oldest eats her breakfast), it really sank in, but not in a political way.  6 people were killed and one of them included a 9 year old girl.  They said the gunman opened fire on his target (the congress woman) and then without aiming at anyone in particular, opened fire numerous times and was even getting ready to reload when he was tackled.  I feel sad for all of the families but a 9 year old girl?!  That just hit home.  My Girl Scouts range in age from 6-10, most falling in the middle region, they all have such bright futures and their dreams they want to accomplish one day are out of this world and I cannot wait to hear how they succeeded in their life goals.  So to think that one of them could be taken out of this world in a horrific way saddens me.  I remember looking over at my sweet girl eating her pancakes and thinking, she could be gone in an instant one day.  I think my mind always goes to her possibly dying of a seizure because that is a very real reality for us, but I never think about her dying from the hand of a gunmen who has a chip on his shoulder and more than likely mental issues.  I am sure that family is just reeling, waking up and for 2 seconds thinking of how awful that nightmare was, only to have the wave of grief wash over them and realize that it is not a nightmare but a reality.  I have had that pain hit me, after the loss of my brother mostly.  I was able to keep it at bay for a while but there was a day in which it hit me like a huge wave and I could barely breath.  I guess what I am saying (and I know people say it all the time) but don't take life for granted.  Make sure you tell your family and friends just how much you love and care for them.  Because no matter how much you try to protect your kids or family, it can all be taken away in an instant.  And if you are the praying kind, which I am, lift up a prayer for the families of those lost!!!!!!!!!

An Anniversary No One Ever Wants To Celebrate

Imagine putting your child to sleep at night, laying in bed thinking of all the things you have planned tomorrow.  Why not take the kids to the park?  You fall asleep and wake up in the morning, eager to get on with the day.  You decide to go wake up your sleepy head boy only to find that he will never wake up again.  Your day at the park turned into an evening filled with sadness and funeral preparations.  This sounds like a nightmare.  But for one family, exactly one year ago today, it was a reality.  Daniel George Stanton lost his life at the sweet young age of 4.  Now his family has to walk through life never knowing what an amazing man he would grow up to be, what an amazing advocate he could have been.  The hole that lives within their hearts I am sure feels like the Grand Canyon.  Please don't ever take life for granted!!!  Please know that there are things out there, things you may not even know of that could turn your life upside down and change it forever!! 
Do you know what SUDEP is?  Neither did I and as a parent of a child with Epilepsy, I should know.  Because of the Stanton family I do know and because of their foundation, The Danny Did Foundation I am able to sleep better knowing that if my daughter has a seizure in the middle of the night, I will be alerted by my EMFIT.  I know that times are tough right now, I know that the Christmas season probably has you strapped, but if there is any way you can donate to this amazing foundation, you will not only be donating money, you will be helping to save lives and raise awareness.  And if you cannot donate, please send up a prayer for this remarkable family.  It has only been one year and I am sure that the many more ahead of them will not be any easier without their sweet Danny.  Danny Did enjoy life, Danny Did love his family.....Danny, please know how much you have touched the lives of people you have never met.  You are a hero in my eyes!!!!

Cancer Sucks

What does cancer look like?

Cancer looks like tears streaming down the cheeks of those left behind.  Cancer is that empty spot at the table, the phone call that never gets answered, the little girl missing out on the most amazing daddy.  In about 2 weeks, it will be 2 years since my brother has been gone.  When I see the picture above, I see my beautiful sister-in-law, my beautiful niece and the empty spot in between where my brother should be.  He was only 33!!!!  Cancer doesn't care!  He wanted to be an amazing dad, he wanted to know why he was being taken.  Our father left us when I was only 2, he didn't care about us and didn't care to wonder about us.  My brother wanted to be there for his little girl, he didn't want to leave her, but cancer didn't care.  Cancer didn't want to give him the chance.  Cancer is a horrible disease!  I am watching stand up 2 cancer tonight, I think I have been working on this post for 30 minutes now but it is hard to type when the tears are blurring my vision and my mind is fuzzy so it is hard to get out a complete thought.  I know times are tough, but if you can ever give, please, I am begging from the bottom of my heart, take the time and give.  There should be no reason why I should have to live without my brother, my SIL without her husband and my niece without her daddy.  It is so unfair and my heart aches each and every day!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing

An amazing brother, husband and father.  He should be here celebrating his life, instead we are forced to face life without him.  Heaven is a sweeter place to have a man like him.  I will love you Justin, my amazing brother, until my very last breath.  And only then will I see your face again and feel complete.  I love you!!!