Life Help

I have never thought of myself as weak, I feel like I am a strong woman and have strong opinions.  I guess that's why I feel so helpless right now.  I will not go into detail as to what is going on, this is obvious a very public forum and while I don't mind people knowing some parts of my life, I don't want my daughters getting ahold of this specific post when they get older.  Letting them know details will have to wait for a more private conversation.  That being said, I feel like I have had the rug pulled out form under me and I don't know how to get back up.  I have had things thrown my way for a while now and feel like I have handled it well and with dignity but even though I may have seen something like this coming, it has hit me harder than I ever imagined.  Has anyone ever been there?  I have always been a happy person who loves her friends and craves that time.  Right now I feel like secluding myself and not doing a thing.  I am not sleeping, I eat only to have it not stay down and doing anything, even one load of laundry feels like I am running a marathon.  I know some people will call this depressive behavior, I do not feel like I am depressed.  I do find happiness, how can you not when you have 3 beautiful children to take care of?  Yes it is work, but they are my world and they can put a smile on my face in the worst of situations.  However, I still feel it.  I feel like it is a shadow hiding and lying in wait until the perfect time.  Like the feeling you are being watched, ti is uncomfortable and then it pounces and reminds you of how bad it is.  I don't know 100% why I am sharing this and I promise I will not be making this blog sad like this form now on.  But blogging is supposed to be real right?  That way people can come and learn something or possibly give some advice because they have been there.  So, that is what I ask.  Has anyone been there?  How do you pick yourself up and try to put yourself back together when you feel shattered into 1,000 pieces?!

Putting it in Perspective

So, this whole week me and all three of my girls have been sick.  It started with the baby which then got passed to my oldest, then my middle, then me.  Me?!!  I never get sick!!  But I did this time, and it hit with a vengeance.  Picture me with crazy hair that hadn't been brushed in almost a whole 24 hours crawling in sweats to get bowls of cereal for my girls so they wouldn't starve until daddy got home.  Yes, a good time was had by all.  We started to all feel a little better, or at least be functional by yesterday and good thing because we had to drive almost an hour to Long Beach for our oldests neurology appointment.  That was when I has my moment.  You know, the kind where you tell yourself how bad your life is right now and wishes it could be some other way so maybe for a little bit you feel better by sulking?  (please agree and say you do that too time and again, please don't let me put something like that out there and feel alone, please don't make me sulk again).  I just kept thinking how life would be a little easier had we all not been sick, that life would be easier on my daughter if she didn't have this obstacle called Epilepsy and it would be better on me if our insurance offered to pay a good neurologist who works only 20 minutes from the house as opposed to over an hour, plus throw in traffic, ugh.  Yes, I was having a great moment.  So, as my kiddos slept I went online to read some blogs.  I started with my normal and fave blogs and that's when I read about this woman.  Her name is Katie and boy did her story make me feel like a moron for wanting to sulk in my minor problems.  Not to say Epilepsy is minor in any way, but we have it under control for now and have been living in that groove for a while so I feel like it is just a daily thing right now.  The first blog post on her page was about text messages between her and her son Henry and how she had been looking back on them recently.  Ok, hmmm, didn't think too much into it but she writes so beautifully that I was pulled in.  Hours later I would find myself on the couch reading and crying and praying for this woman and her family.  The text messages she was re-reading?  They were from her son who would end up in the hospital and later dying.....at age 18!  Granted, her son had some major drug addictions, but the beauty is that she doesn't sugar coat that.  She knows he had an issue and take full responsibility for his actions.  But  because of this addiction, he would would end up in the hospital, beaten by some maniacs who took advantage of a sick young boy.  It is devastating.  She at one point wrote that at times when she was home alone with her newborn baby, that she would drop to the floor and wail for the loss of her son.  Ugh, that feeling.  I remember coming back to California and finally having it hit me that my brother was actually gone, that I would never see him or speak to him ever again and I had one of those moments.  The kind where I physically had to grab onto something because I felt like I was hit in the gut and the only thing you can do is scream.  The pain I felt losing my brother was and continues to be tremendous, I cannot imagine my own child!  The child I carried in my body for 9 months, the child who I delivered into this world, the child who depended on me from day 1 to nurture and keep them safe from harm.  I can go on and on about her and her story, but to get the full affect, I recommend reading her story.  Go to  her blog when you have some time and bring some tissue.  And if you are the praying kind, lift some prayers up.  This family is hurting, they are broken and they need prayers!! I couldn't stop thinking of her son the whole day.  I went to bed with his image in my head.  Her son will continue to live on I believe, within his brothers and sisters and hopefully within others who are going through something, and upon hearing his story will change they way they are living.  I really don't know the perfect way or respectful way to end this.  I have never met this family but I feel like I know them quite well after reading their story, so I guess I will end with love.  God Bless the Granju family and rest in peace Henry!!!

Walking Through Grief

Sunday morning came with horrible news, my Grandfather who my family lovingly referred to as Papa since before I was born went to be with our good Lord in Heaven.  He had been sick for years and recently took a turn for the worse so we all knew it would happen soon but we didn't expect it to be so soon.  My Papa was a strong man, a family man.  A man who loved his wife, children and grandchildren and who loved to keep his Norwegian roots deeply rooted within his offspring.  I have so many wonderful memories with him and don't know how this life is going to be without him.  I do know that it will be a long walk down grief road, a road filled with wishes of hugs and words of advice that will no longer be.  When you say your prayers at night, please remember to send a quick one for me and my family so the road we are now walking down may not be as bumpy as it feels right now.

How Do You Prepare To Say Goodbye?

I can remember sitting in my Grandpa's office, pretending to write a very important note with his pen that was filled with shredded $1 bills.  I remember wondering why one earth anyone would want to shred money!!  I remember typing on my grandmothers typewriter and having my grandpa come up form behind me and give my ponytail a tug and telling me to never cut my hair because long hair is gorgeous.  We lived at my grandparents house for a large part of my childhood.  I got to sit next to my grandpa, ok, I feel weird saying grandpa because he has and always will be papa to me.  So, I got to sit next to papa at every meal.  It was wonderful being able to sit next to him, until he ate his stinky cheese or herring, ugh, the smell.  But now, I wish I could sit next to him, I would sit through many bad smells just to have him next to me at the table.  About 7 years ago my papa started to get really sick.  They said he wouldn't have long to live but here we are, he is still alive but he is not my papa I remember.  And today I got the phone call.  Hospice has moved in and he is in a hospital bed.  The RN says it may only be weeks by what she sees but then again, she is not God and God will take him when He feels like it is time.  So I sit here and remember him.  Remember him being strong.  Remember how proud he was when I walked in the living room in my winter formal gown.  I wish I could scan the picture and show you.  I am standing next to my maemaw and papa, we are by the Christmas tree and they have their arms around me and big smiles on their faces.  My memories are what I am trying to hold on to so I don't completely lose it.  Having a maemaw without a papa just isn't right.  How do I let him go?  I am not ok with death.  I know he is suffering and it is better for him but I want to be selfish and plead with God to not take him.  I was always so happy saying I had never had a family member die.  Then came my brother and now my papa is going to leave us.  It just doesn't seem fair.  So, how does someone prepare to say goodbye?  I want to hug him and hold on to him and let him know how much I love him and how much his presence in my childhood made me who I am today.  That his stubborn Norwegian blood runs deep within me and we are much more similar than he ever will know.  That I wish I could change my name to his last name so I could tell people all about him when they ask how the heck I got the last name Midtsjo.......confused on how to pronounce that one?  Ha, I love it!!!  I love him!!!!  I am dreading the phone call letting me know he is gone and until then, how do I deal?!