Walking Through Grief

Sunday morning came with horrible news, my Grandfather who my family lovingly referred to as Papa since before I was born went to be with our good Lord in Heaven.  He had been sick for years and recently took a turn for the worse so we all knew it would happen soon but we didn't expect it to be so soon.  My Papa was a strong man, a family man.  A man who loved his wife, children and grandchildren and who loved to keep his Norwegian roots deeply rooted within his offspring.  I have so many wonderful memories with him and don't know how this life is going to be without him.  I do know that it will be a long walk down grief road, a road filled with wishes of hugs and words of advice that will no longer be.  When you say your prayers at night, please remember to send a quick one for me and my family so the road we are now walking down may not be as bumpy as it feels right now.

How Do You Prepare To Say Goodbye?

I can remember sitting in my Grandpa's office, pretending to write a very important note with his pen that was filled with shredded $1 bills.  I remember wondering why one earth anyone would want to shred money!!  I remember typing on my grandmothers typewriter and having my grandpa come up form behind me and give my ponytail a tug and telling me to never cut my hair because long hair is gorgeous.  We lived at my grandparents house for a large part of my childhood.  I got to sit next to my grandpa, ok, I feel weird saying grandpa because he has and always will be papa to me.  So, I got to sit next to papa at every meal.  It was wonderful being able to sit next to him, until he ate his stinky cheese or herring, ugh, the smell.  But now, I wish I could sit next to him, I would sit through many bad smells just to have him next to me at the table.  About 7 years ago my papa started to get really sick.  They said he wouldn't have long to live but here we are, he is still alive but he is not my papa I remember.  And today I got the phone call.  Hospice has moved in and he is in a hospital bed.  The RN says it may only be weeks by what she sees but then again, she is not God and God will take him when He feels like it is time.  So I sit here and remember him.  Remember him being strong.  Remember how proud he was when I walked in the living room in my winter formal gown.  I wish I could scan the picture and show you.  I am standing next to my maemaw and papa, we are by the Christmas tree and they have their arms around me and big smiles on their faces.  My memories are what I am trying to hold on to so I don't completely lose it.  Having a maemaw without a papa just isn't right.  How do I let him go?  I am not ok with death.  I know he is suffering and it is better for him but I want to be selfish and plead with God to not take him.  I was always so happy saying I had never had a family member die.  Then came my brother and now my papa is going to leave us.  It just doesn't seem fair.  So, how does someone prepare to say goodbye?  I want to hug him and hold on to him and let him know how much I love him and how much his presence in my childhood made me who I am today.  That his stubborn Norwegian blood runs deep within me and we are much more similar than he ever will know.  That I wish I could change my name to his last name so I could tell people all about him when they ask how the heck I got the last name Midtsjo.......confused on how to pronounce that one?  Ha, I love it!!!  I love him!!!!  I am dreading the phone call letting me know he is gone and until then, how do I deal?!