Last night was horrible. Out of no where it hit me, my brother is gone. I know it may seem odd since he passed away almost 8 months ago but I lived so far away and didn't get to see him until I came out here for trips so it was easy to trick myself into believing he really wasn't gone. I told myself that I would deal with it when I got out here. It is hard to avoid him being out here, I live 1/2 mile from the beach and everywhere I go, I see places we went together. But, after moving here, I have avoided the beach and was kept pretty busy unpacking and having a baby so again, I tricked myself. Until last night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like someone was shouting "HELLO, YOUR BROTHER IS GONE AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN". It physically hurt, I had to sit down and try to catch my breath. I started crying and felt like I couldn't breath. I knew I was going to have to deal with him being gone at some point but there was a big part of me that wanted to never have to deal with it. I was hoping I could trick myself for the rest of my life. It just hurts, it physically hurts to know he is gone. To walk in his house and not have him be there. I really don't want to have to deal with this!!!!
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