Trying Hard

I find myself just sitting and staring at nothing and tears streaming down my cheeks lately. I try to think of myself as a string person, I think every mom has to be in some sort of way. But put your child in harms way, in any bad situation, and in two seconds flat, a mom can turn from the strong rock into a puddle of mush. And that's me lately, mush. On tv the other night I saw a commercial for a website, CUREepilepsy.org. So last night I decided to check it out. It is pretty interesting, it gives you a lot of facts on Epilepsy (like the mortality rate for a person with epilepsy is 2-3 times lower than the average person) and it is also an organization that wants help to get the word out. I sent them my info, I would love to help in any way, if it means saving one life, then anything is worth it. But reading the statistics and some of the stories broke my heart and scared the living daylights out of me. One story was of a little girl who was perfectly "normal" until she started to have seizures at the age of 6. After a while the seizure meds she was on didn't work so they had to switch her. Switching her meds caused more seizures and more extreme side affects. Pretty soon nothing was working properly and she was having constant seizures. She told her caretaker one day, while her mom was running errands, that God would heal her one day and she would be free of her seizures. That was about a week before her 16th birthday................2 days before her 16th birthday, her mom wiped the sweat off her lip as she took her last breath. She was right, God freed her of her seizures. I am still crying as I type this. That just breaks my heart!! And the thing with her is, when her daughter was diagnosed, her mom thought, ok, we can deal with this. Kids can lead perfectly normal lives, they cant do some things, but for the most part they are ok. While she was there she met a mom in the cafeteria whose son was dying of leukemia. She said she counted her blessings for it "only being Epilepsy". but there really is no, "only epilepsy". Epilepsy is a debilitating disease that can and does kill people. It is so unknown, doctors pretty much don't have a handle on this disease. It is trial and error. And I am in no way blaming the doctors, Cassidy now has an amazing doctor who is concerned and is right beside us. But the brain is so complicated, it is so hard for them to deal with each case, each case is so different. I find myself watching her sleep sometimes and just wonder what kind of struggle she has on a daily basis. I see it in her eyes sometimes, she just seems lost at times. And it breaks my heart. And I could never imagine losing my little girl. Even the thought of that being an outcome makes me nauseous. I know these are things that are not true right now. I am going through a book with a wonderful lady at my church and right now we are reading and talking about truths. That the what ifs and might happens are not truth, truth is what God has in front of us right now. And right now, Cass is struggling but she is ok. She is not hospitalized and she is not dying. but the truth is also, I am having a hard time just looking at the truth as it is, my mind easily wanders. And when ti does, I want to crawl inside my bubble, with Cass and just stay there.