Saturday, January 30, 2010

Time Flies By Too Fast!


It seems like Hayley has just started really crawling, she still will army crawl but every now and again you get the full hands and knees crawling. This morning, she decided she likes to stand up!!!! She has been getting on her knees to play in the toy box but this morning she looked at her feet and then just stood up. It was all pretty shocking, I think to both myself and her, she looked at her feet with the expression of "wow, didn't really think that would work" hahahahahaha. Its so hard to see her grow up but I am so amazed at her!!!!!!
Cass is doing alright. I know my last post was praising her progress and that seemed to be short lived. Her behavior was fantastic and we didn't see any seizures, however her focusing on things and remembering and knowing how to do simple tasks almost disappeared. They were making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at school and she couldn't remember how to do that!!!!! She can barely remember 2 plus 2 and she gets so upset at herself for it. So, after a phone call to the doctor, we are lowering her meds a bit, pretty much in between what we had been giving her and the new dosage we started last week. The doctor is looking over her chart this weekend and by Tuesday she will see if we should switch her a new medication. So, lets see where this goes for her. Oh, and I cannot forget to mention that she lost another tooth the other night and actually got it out herself!!!!!!
And since I spoke of my other 2 little ones I feel I have to mention something about Kendall. Her personality is just shining these days and she is testing her boundaries. She told me the other day while we were at my doctors appointment that she didn't like the lady sitting across from us, that she was scary, and she made this mischievous smirk. I don't know what I will do with her lately, lol.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So Far So Good


Prayers are being answered every minute of the day!! I was planning on calling Cassidy's doctor on Monday but decided to wait and see what her teacher would report to me after school. And the report was? Good!!!!! Cassidy had one minor slip up at school but it had nothing to do with an emotional outburst, she had trouble with math, which is fine, she is only in second grade and her brain has missed a lot. So, no call that day. Then I waited to see how yesterday went and again, good!!!! And she actually had nothing happen that day, emotional or school work wise. I am so happy and so thankful. I am taking this as a sign that the meds she is on are starting to work and we may not need to change her. I am elated she wont have to go through with more testing and switching meds and seeing what comes from that. Granted, she may need this in the future, but for now, things are looking amazing :)

Monday, January 25, 2010

Trying Hard


I find myself just sitting and staring at nothing and tears streaming down my cheeks lately. I try to think of myself as a string person, I think every mom has to be in some sort of way. But put your child in harms way, in any bad situation, and in two seconds flat, a mom can turn from the strong rock into a puddle of mush. And that's me lately, mush. On tv the other night I saw a commercial for a website, CUREepilepsy.org. So last night I decided to check it out. It is pretty interesting, it gives you a lot of facts on Epilepsy (like the mortality rate for a person with epilepsy is 2-3 times lower than the average person) and it is also an organization that wants help to get the word out. I sent them my info, I would love to help in any way, if it means saving one life, then anything is worth it. But reading the statistics and some of the stories broke my heart and scared the living daylights out of me. One story was of a little girl who was perfectly "normal" until she started to have seizures at the age of 6. After a while the seizure meds she was on didn't work so they had to switch her. Switching her meds caused more seizures and more extreme side affects. Pretty soon nothing was working properly and she was having constant seizures. She told her caretaker one day, while her mom was running errands, that God would heal her one day and she would be free of her seizures. That was about a week before her 16th birthday................2 days before her 16th birthday, her mom wiped the sweat off her lip as she took her last breath. She was right, God freed her of her seizures. I am still crying as I type this. That just breaks my heart!! And the thing with her is, when her daughter was diagnosed, her mom thought, ok, we can deal with this. Kids can lead perfectly normal lives, they cant do some things, but for the most part they are ok. While she was there she met a mom in the cafeteria whose son was dying of leukemia. She said she counted her blessings for it "only being Epilepsy". but there really is no, "only epilepsy". Epilepsy is a debilitating disease that can and does kill people. It is so unknown, doctors pretty much don't have a handle on this disease. It is trial and error. And I am in no way blaming the doctors, Cassidy now has an amazing doctor who is concerned and is right beside us. But the brain is so complicated, it is so hard for them to deal with each case, each case is so different. I find myself watching her sleep sometimes and just wonder what kind of struggle she has on a daily basis. I see it in her eyes sometimes, she just seems lost at times. And it breaks my heart. And I could never imagine losing my little girl. Even the thought of that being an outcome makes me nauseous. I know these are things that are not true right now. I am going through a book with a wonderful lady at my church and right now we are reading and talking about truths. That the what ifs and might happens are not truth, truth is what God has in front of us right now. And right now, Cass is struggling but she is ok. She is not hospitalized and she is not dying. but the truth is also, I am having a hard time just looking at the truth as it is, my mind easily wanders. And when ti does, I want to crawl inside my bubble, with Cass and just stay there.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Cassidy Update


On Wednesday we packed up the car and drove to Long Beach for Cassidys neurology appointment. We packed up the car mainly because we are having such horrible rain that we thought we might get stuck up there, and good thing we thought ahead because we did. It wasn't bad driving up there, actually there was no rain and dry roads. The rain hit about 5 minutes before Cassidys appointment and it really hit!!!! It looked like a waterfall on the hillside and the balcony we had to walk on to get to the doctors office was uneven and didn't have enough drains to handle that amount of rain, we we waded in ankle deep waters at that point so we could get to the appointment. The doctor is very concerned on how Cass is handling this medication. Her behavior is ever changing and not for the better and she continues to have seizures. And all of this seems to be escalating. So, right now she kept her on the same meds, she just went up on the amount she takes. If she seems fine with ti all and things get better, in 2 weeks we will just get labs drawn and continue to monitor her that way every 4 months or so. If it doesn't get better or even gets worse, then we need to go back to the doc soon and she is going to start her on a new medication. I just don't like the feeling of having to start back at the beginning. And then wonder what this new med might or might not do. Its just a struggle. After the appointment we braved the even harder rain and flooded streets. We tried to go to the local CVS as well but the parking lot was a lake. I thought about driving through it (that's why we have an suv right?) but as I saw the car in front of me do it and basically half disappear under water ( i think there was also a big hole in the parking lot), we decided against it. So, we headed to my moms house to get dry. The girls were so happy to be staying at Grandmas house!!! She even spoiled them with pizza, ice cream and chocolate and strawberry milk. Grandmas are so cool. Hayley of course hated sleeping some place else besides her house and her bed so she was up until 2 am, which made for a very happy mommy. And of course morning and medicine time came super early. After a yummy breakfast and an attitude check for Cassidy, we headed back on the road to come home. We left at that time thinking it looked clear and wasn't supposed to get bad until later. About 10 minutes on the road and I couldn't see in front of me. It was the scariest drive home I have ever had. I think the car fish tailed twice, good thing I wasn't going fast enough to lose control. But, we made it home safe and sound. I will let you know how Cass does.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Rotten Kids


Ok, so not completely rotten but they seem to be striving to get there. Last night I uploaded pictures off of our camera and onto the computer, and after do so, I completely forgot to put the camera card back in the camera. I didn't realize that of course afterwards, I actually got ready and went and had a nice night of facials with some of my friends. It was so nice to get out!!! I came home and went to sleep and actually woke up nicely this morning, normally I dread mornings but this one wasn't so bad. While Cassidy got dressed I came to the desk to look at my organizer to see if I had anything going on today, that was when I realized I had left my camera card in the computer, so i bent down to reach for it...........and its not there. I called Will to see if maybe he noticed and put it somewhere safe and he said no. Which leaves us with two very guilty little girls who swear they didn't touch it. Of course it sprouted legs and ran away, the camera card was never happy with us as a family and it saw its opportunity last night and is now in a better home storing pictures of a much nicer family upon itself. I am so steamed right now, I have looked everywhere and it hasn't come up. We have pictures on there that have not been developed since before we moved out here. They have Hayley's birth pictures (not the birth, ewww, afterwards, hehe). I am waiting to find it in the trash or under water somewhere and cry because those pictures are gone :(
On another note, Will left today for 8 days. The girls actually do really well when he is gone and actually listen more, kind of strange. However, it gets lonely and I am even more tired, so I wish he was home. And I am sure he does too, not only to be home with his family but this week we have horrid rain storms, today is supposed to get 2 inches and tomorrow between 7 and 8!!!!! We had 3 yesterday and already there are mudslides and flooding. So, lets pray he can stay dry and out of any floods or mudslides that may happen, wherever he is.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Busy Day


Today seemed like a very busy day, and it is only half over. Cassidy went on her first field trip out here. Will ended up being a chaperone because I was freaked out with her going alone and possibly having a seizure. She has been having small seizures lately and we don't get her into the neurologist until Wednesday. Oh, and I should mention where the field trip was. It was the Ocean Institute in a town called Dana Point. They get to learn all about the ocean and of course go out on a boat. I was so nervous that the rocking of the boat would make her go into a seizure. It seems like the smallest things these days cause them. They just got home a little bit ago and she had the best time. She told me all about the trip, that she saw starfish, crabs and plankton when they pulled up mud from the ocean floor. She also saw sea lions and dolphins, how cool :) And she is home now and safe, I know, I am very over-protective, poor girl. As for me and the smaller ones, we had a day of story time followed by a long meeting for the Girl Scouts. We have a World Thinking Day coming up in February and it is in the planning process, which is always fun times, lol. However, this year the theme is poverty and hunger, I think it will be awesome for the girls to learn about other countries and learn just how good they have it. I know Cassidy thinks nothing of living by the ocean, she actually thinks that we will buy one of the huge houses that sit on the beach soon :) And especially with the devastation in Haiti right now, I think it is good for the girls to get a glimpse of other countries. So, after a long day, I say bring on the soft cuddly couch socks and cup of coffee, I am ready!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Sickness and a check-up


Last night was not fun in any way!!! Well, I guess parts of it were but most of it was not, lol. I had yet another Girl Scout meeting. This time a leadership training and it was an hour away in Escondido. My other co-leader Gloria drove and I sat in the back, big mistake!!!! I know I get car sick and it was a stupid choice but I did it anyway. So, after about 30 minutes in the car I started to feel sick to my stomach. I rolled down the window and stuck my head out like a dog and it got a little bit better......but then we got lost. So, with all the turning around and backing up and stopping, it got worse. So, while we pulled over in the middle of nowheresville to call someone to ask for directions, I got out and let loose. So gross!!!!! We eventually found the place but I felt like crap and just wanted to be home!!! The meeting was good (despite my extremely full calendar once again), the only bad part was finding out that one of the training courses I have to take is called tent, and it involves sleeping overnight in a tent :( I know the name should give it away but I really really really do not want to go camping in a tent :( We eventually made it home almost 4 hours later and it felt good to collapse on the couch and not feel the world moving :)
Then this morning was Hayley's 9 month check up. She is almost 20 pounds and 28 inches long!!! She is doing really good and her doctor was happy to hear that the cardiologist decided that her murmur is an innocent murmur and nothing to be worried about. She got one shot in her left leg and we were done. I felt so awful, I never like when she gets shots but after coming home and reading my friends blog, which was about one of her friends whose little boy (a 3 month old) just died because he got sick from a little kid who wasn't vaccinated and had a disease. And the little boy was too small to fight it off so he died and they are having the funeral today :( I read her blog and just cried, I cannot imagine!!!! I am so thankful that I was able to pick up my little girl this morning and hug away her pain. I know that little boys mom wishes she could have done the same.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Cat Scan


This morning was an early morning. We got up 45 minutes earlier than expected so that I could drop off the 2 smallest kiddos at my friend Launa's house. Thank you again Launa, Kendall is so excited and cant stop talking about her "best friend Makenna". After dropping those 2 little ones off, I took Cass to school (and on time, I am on a roll today) and then it was off to my cat scan. On the way I had to take meds so I wouldn't react to the dye they were injecting me with, which was supposed to be done an hour ahead of time, which just happened to fall while I was driving. So, I took the first one, not bad, then came the second one. I think they should warn you that the dang thing dissolves almost instantly and covers your mouth in a yellow bitter substance. I drank my entire bottle of water and the taste was still there. It was horrid!!! Then I got to the hospital where I had to fill out the scariest form known to man. It had all of the "what can happen" stuff on it and if you know me, I started getting a little freaked out. Luckily I didn't have to wait too long before I was called back and could just get it over with. While I was walking with the technician down the hall, he asked if I had any allergies and all that and then he asked if I was on any meds. I pulled out the 2 bottles I had in my purse to show what I was told to take and he told me he hates that they keep telling people they need to take those because they don't, that the dye they inject you with has nothing to do with those type of allergies. Luckily they didn't tell me and I had the privilege of taking the super bitter super dissolving tablet an hour ago, which I could still taste by the way. After I was in my gown and lying on the table, I got my IV. That part was fine, I have come to be ok with needle pricks in my arm. It was the after part which started getting to me. Next thing I knew I felt bubbles in my neck and it felt like water was swishing around in my head. I told him what I felt and he said that happened because the IV needle he used was a big one so he could push fluids through my body super fast. So, when the dye came in, I would feel the same thing, only it would also be warm. Yay!!! After all the the scan started, I closed my eyes and was praying to not freak out. It worked until the dye started being pushed in. Not only did I feel the bubbles in my neck and the swishing in my head but it was hot, not warm, hot. I tried to swallow because it felt like I was eating pennies and the hot feeling in my head and neck was bothering me. That's when I heard the robot lady in the machine tell me to stop swallowing. I felt like I was about to panic, oh and I also thought I peed my pants. Lol, the "warm feeling" I guess goes all through the body and since it was hot, it actually made me feel like I had peed when it went down, lol. Luckily I did not. And I didn't end up in a panic attack because as soon as the warmth reached my toes I was done. I have felt loopy and off balance all day but I think it is from the meds I took. Will said he remembers his Grandpa feeling that way when he took the meds too. I wont get he results back until I go to my pre-op appointment on the 29th, so please still be praying that everything turns out ok!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Bank Account and Taxes


Doesn't the title just give you the heebie jeebies? That would be my day :) This morning I woke up and went and picked up 2 of my co-leaders for the Girl Scout troop and traveled down to mainside (45 minutes away) to open our bank account for the troop. We were almost turned away because we didn't have a special letter but thankfully the treasurer for the whole service unit was there and had ours. We about had a heart attack though because we have to have a bank account to sell cookies and this was the only weekend we could do it. And we never go the letter sent to our troop personally so we weren't just being careless and not bringing it. Anyways, the account was opened and we traveled back home. And then it was time t go get our taxes done. Its nice to see the return we are going to get but not fun whatsoever. Also having 3 kids there as well just makes it even more not fun, lol. So, my morning was spent sitting in a chair listening to boring stuff and signing tons of paperwork, woo hoo!!! Have a great weekend!

Friday, January 8, 2010

Cookies!!!!!!


Trust me, I have felt like I am a Girl Scout leader, especially with all the happenings last month. However, last night I felt like a real troop leader. I went with my co-leader to our first cookie meeting. We got to try the new cookie, which is yummy by the way...it has cranberries and white chocolate in it, and saw all the incentives for selling and of course all the confusing and stress causing details of how to actually do cookie sales. I am kinda looking forward to it though. Cassidy is excited and wants to sell a bunch so I am getting pretty excited too. So, don't be surprised when I hit you up for 10 boxes.........my little girl wants to sell :)

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Hello, my name is chicken!!!!


Yesterday was my biopsy day. After my last appointment I knew this was the next step so I had psyched myself up for the needle in my mouth followed by the clipping of my tissue, lol. I don't think I psyched myself up enough though. We got to the doctor and checked in and had a nice waiting period. I don't like waiting when I am nervous, it just makes it worse. Once we got in to see the doctor she felt the lump under my chin and said she was concerned about it and would like to remove it with surgery. Then she looked inside my mouth and said she would like to biopsy that one today. Not shocking, I knew it was coming. So, she took me into the next room and started setting up. I saw the needle and all the fun tools. I admit, I was super nervous. I was praying over and over in my head for God to calm my fears and just let me get through this. Oh, and along with the doc was a resident who of course wanted to feel everything she felt, not too fond of student doctors in that type of situation and another guy, I think he was a nurse or something. Anyways, she said she would start with a numbing spray that tasted like banana. Lets just say that's the worst tasting banana I have ever had in my life!!!!! After that was done she said that the needle was next. I asked her to stop (surprised?) I don't think it was so much the needle, that part is a quick pain. I think she over sprayed the numbing stuff and a lot went down my throat and I started to feel like I couldn't breathe or swallow. It was just a horrid feeling and I didn't think I could handle having her in my mouth for 10 minutes (that's how long she said it would take) If I had a hard time breathing just sitting there, her hands in my mouth wouldn't make it any easier. I tried reasoning with her (do I really need this biopsied?), lol, and we ultimately came to the conclusion that since she already was scheduling me for surgery to remove the lump under my chin, that she would just add the biopsy in my throat all on the same day, I would be put under and never know the difference (until I wake up in pain at least, lol). So, we scheduled my surgery for the 3rd of February. Next Monday though I have to go in for a CT scan where they inject me with dyes and crap and see if they can see what this lump is before surgery. And since I am allergic to bee stings I have to be on special meds for 24 hours leading up to it so I don't have an allergic reaction during the scan. It all just sounds like too much fun doesn't it? I am actually very nervous to be put under. I don't like the feeling of knowing I am going to sleep because I am being drugged and then of course the thought of, what if I don't wake up? I know I shouldn't go there but I am paranoid, you all know that :) So anyway, any type of prayers would be nice. Mostly to calm my fears, I think I can handle finding out what it is, if anything at all, the procedures are just wearing on my right now.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Beach day!!!


Oh how I love being back in sunny California!!!!! Today, in January, the same time when last year we were wearing mittens, scarfs and beanies and preparing ourselves for the bitter cold that would hit us as soon as we stepped out of our nice warm home, I put on a light jacket, packed up the kids, and headed to the beach to have lunch with some friends. Seriously people, the beach day does exist in January!!!! I was so excited. For those of you reading this who were born and raised here and haven't had the freezing opportunity to live in other states, heat in the winter is non-existent and I am sure most are questioning why they live in the bitter cold right about now. It was such a nice day here!!! Like I said, we packed the kids in the car (yes, Will too, he is still on leave this week) and went down to the beach for a lunch date. Our beach on base has a park right on the sand and a covered picnic area right next to it so it was the perfect spot. 2 of my friends from Mops, one of the hubbies and a sister were all there, and poor Michael was the only little boy out of 4 girls. I am sure he will be more excited when he gets older :) After playing on the playground and eating some lunch, we decided to put our feet in the water. Little did we realize the adventurous little ones who wanted way more than their feet in the water and when the big waves hit, they ran toward them and not away from them. Lets just say someone walked away with a drippy butt, lol. Sounds lovely right? I think I laugh only for the fact that it wasn't me. All in all, it was a great day!!!!!!!! I love you sunny California!!!!

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Seizures


I really don't think I will ever get used to seeing my little girl have a seizure. And I am not talking about the grand maul type where she is on the ground and unconscious, however that is my main fear with her. Tonight we decided to make cookies and part of the recipe calls for crushed peppermint candies. So, I put them in a bag and started beating them with a meat mallet. Cass was so excited to be making cookies so she was standing right next to me. She was all smiles but after about 10 hits with the mallet it started fading and she got a real serious look on her face. Her eyes started fluttering a lot and her eyes were half in the back of her head. I stopped what I was doing and asked if she was ok, she was staring off into space but managed a "yeah". A minute later though, she decided she didn't want to be in the kitchen and needed to sit down. So, she did and came back when the banging stopped. It is so hard to see her go through this. All it took was a loud noise and her watching me and she was in a seizure. It just scares me, that for the rest of her life she will have to be sheltered from things we do normally everyday. The stuff we take for granted, small things like baking cookies with your mom.........I just don't get it, and I don't like it. And of course she asks us later that night why she has to have Epilepsy and why she just cant be like all the other normal kids. Normal kids? How do you explain to her that she is normal, she just has to do things a bit different? I think I am finally settling in to the fact though that she does have to do things different and I cant get mad that she doesn't want to try things. I think a couple of times I have pushed her in a certain way to try things that scare her, but the look in her eyes, the shear terror, I cant do that. "Normal" or whatever you may call it, is not her normal. It makes me sad for her but I do realize that one day when she is older, maybe she will embrace it more, become an advocate, or when she sees another little girl with that look of terror in her eyes, that she can hug her and let her know it will be ok, because she is ok. I am so proud of my little girl, and so scared all at the same time.

Goodbye Christmas


So, even though it is still weird to think that it is a new year already, it now looks like it in our house. The tree got taken down along with all of the decorations around the house and what decorations we did have outside came down as well. I think Hayley was excited to have the carpeted front room back. That is the only part of the house downstairs that is carpeted and that is where we put the tree. It was pointless to have her in that room during the month of December. She would crawl super fast to get to the tree and anything around it, so we would pick her up, tell her no and put her on the other side of the room with her toys......I am sure you know how the pattern repeated itself numerous times until we decided that room would be off limits as long as the tree was up, except for Christmas morning of course :) I have to say though, my front room looks really empty, the tree took up one corner and was so pretty so to have it gone, it looks empty and I want to decorate, haha.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Happy New Year!!!!!


New year, new blog :) We actually ended up having a really fun new years eve night!!!! My original plan was to just stay home and pretty much be bored. Last year I bought fun drinks for the kids in cool little cups and we had silly string wars and popped the confetti poppers, but it was hard keeping them up until midnight and by 9:30 the fun had worn off and we had cranky kids all night. Not to mention that when it actually did hit midnight and counted down and hugged and kissed one another, they looked at us like "that's what you kept us up for?!!!! really?!!!!!". So, this year I decided I wasn't going to make them stay up and if they did then we would have a quiet nice time, that pretty much equals boring on a super fun scale, lol. However, I found out that my Aunt was staying home as well and that she would have my cousins 2 boys with her, and after telling her my amazing plans, she had us come on over. We stopped for dinner at Ruby's along the way, and a side note on that one, we got the creepy waiter again!!!! I think we have only been to that Ruby's 3 times, once as a family and once just me, my mom and the girls. And every single time, no matter where we are sat, we get this creepy guy with a creepy stare and he just freaks us out!!!! Anyways, after dinner we headed to my Aunts house. She lives in a super cool, new loft apartment in Anaheim and her huge living room windows look out over Disneyland. So, while the kids played with one another, which is so nice to see by the way, I love that they love playing with their cousins, we had some martinis and played mad gab. Then it was 9:30 and time for the first round of fireworks. We turned off all the lights and watched. We have been to her apartment before to watch them so we had seen that showing before but it is still pretty awesome to watch. After that was over, I put the baby down and we all sat and talked, while the wee ones played some more. Poor Josh (my cousins oldest boy) couldn't last and conked out around 10:30. But, the rest of us stayed up and at 11:50 we turned on the countdown in New York's times square and counted down. Right at midnight the night sky lit up. The Disneyland fireworks were amazing!!!!! It was like 5 minutes of a grand finale, just amazingly beautiful. I wish Hayley was up so I could squeeze her into the new year but instead I held my Kendall and watched all teary eyed. I swear the baby blues, over emotional thing still to this day has not gone away......God help my girls on their big days because I will be a wreck!!!!!!! Then today, after a fun morning with all the kiddos again, we headed over to the Irvine Spectrum and did a little shopping with my sister-in-law and my niece. Just a wonderful start to the New Year, lets hope 2010 is a great one!!!! Oh, and I got a super cool new planner, which is needed so I don't lose my head or any commitment I forget I volunteered for, but I never knew I could get this excited over a planner, what a dork!!!! Happy new year everyone!!!
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